Confessions

I don't like talking about my flaws and insecurities. To me, those are my burdens to bare and I tend to keep them as my little secrets. Everyone has their own issues to deal with, why bother them with mine?

I actually think (read: know) that is why I am such a sarcastic idiot - it's easier to be sarcastic about something and brush it off than it is to be real and let people in on the innermost workings of my brain. Maybe it's the athlete in me, or maybe I was traumatized as a child, or maybe in a former life I was a gabber and now I am destined to a lifetime of keeping things to myself (which would explain why I am such a super secret keeper. For real. I am like Fort Knox with a secret). I think it's probably the latter.

My biggest insecurity is definitely body image. I have a HORRIBLE body image. The only good thing about that is it is what led me to CrossFit, but unfortunately even after six months of CF, and four months of paleo-zoning and micro-measuring all of my food, my image hasn't improved. I keep waiting for the stars to align and inches to drop off of my body, but so far all of my clothes fit the same or even worse (mostly from muscle gain) and I never see a positive difference in the mirror. 

Months of no results has been niggling at my brain and my insecurities have lavished in it. To try to maximize my results, I discussed eating less with my coaches. Done. I did that for about six weeks and still....nothing.

And then about three weeks ago, I started falling into a horrible, horrible spiral of bad habits. I figured, if ten blocks were good, nine blocks were better. I'd already cut out all refined carbs (bread, pasta, etc.) so I cut out fruit - I figured that those are higher in sugar, so they would be better to drop, right? 

Early last week I plugged a typical day into a calorie calculator (another habit I personally shouldn't do because it just leads me into a downward shame spiral when I do it). I was eating about 1300 calories/day. I am almost six feet tall and am very active. I knew that wasn't enough, but I let myself believe that it was. 

I started doing more cardio workouts on my own in the afternoon. Then, to feel more full, I started taking fiber capsules. Heaven forbid I actually eat more! I was already struggling to lose weight!

That was rock bottom. Well, almost rock bottom. I don't want to talk about rock bottom. Let's just say that there was a bottom rock and I was on it. Luckily I smacked my head on that rock and it knocked some sense into me. 

So what did I do? I called up Megan. And we formulated a plan. An "Eat More" plan. Operation Eat More. Megan walks the walk, so I have a lot of faith that she knows what she is talking about. And clearly I need someone to tell me what to do.

But even still, I'm a bit scared. And I hate myself for having insecurities and even more for being stupid. Who would think that with all of the ass kicking, sweat inducing, muscle failing, lactic acid building, heart pounding workouts we do that the hardest thing for me would be....chewing.