Confessions

I don't like talking about my flaws and insecurities. To me, those are my burdens to bare and I tend to keep them as my little secrets. Everyone has their own issues to deal with, why bother them with mine?

I actually think (read: know) that is why I am such a sarcastic idiot - it's easier to be sarcastic about something and brush it off than it is to be real and let people in on the innermost workings of my brain. Maybe it's the athlete in me, or maybe I was traumatized as a child, or maybe in a former life I was a gabber and now I am destined to a lifetime of keeping things to myself (which would explain why I am such a super secret keeper. For real. I am like Fort Knox with a secret). I think it's probably the latter.

My biggest insecurity is definitely body image. I have a HORRIBLE body image. The only good thing about that is it is what led me to CrossFit, but unfortunately even after six months of CF, and four months of paleo-zoning and micro-measuring all of my food, my image hasn't improved. I keep waiting for the stars to align and inches to drop off of my body, but so far all of my clothes fit the same or even worse (mostly from muscle gain) and I never see a positive difference in the mirror. 

Months of no results has been niggling at my brain and my insecurities have lavished in it. To try to maximize my results, I discussed eating less with my coaches. Done. I did that for about six weeks and still....nothing.

And then about three weeks ago, I started falling into a horrible, horrible spiral of bad habits. I figured, if ten blocks were good, nine blocks were better. I'd already cut out all refined carbs (bread, pasta, etc.) so I cut out fruit - I figured that those are higher in sugar, so they would be better to drop, right? 

Early last week I plugged a typical day into a calorie calculator (another habit I personally shouldn't do because it just leads me into a downward shame spiral when I do it). I was eating about 1300 calories/day. I am almost six feet tall and am very active. I knew that wasn't enough, but I let myself believe that it was. 

I started doing more cardio workouts on my own in the afternoon. Then, to feel more full, I started taking fiber capsules. Heaven forbid I actually eat more! I was already struggling to lose weight!

That was rock bottom. Well, almost rock bottom. I don't want to talk about rock bottom. Let's just say that there was a bottom rock and I was on it. Luckily I smacked my head on that rock and it knocked some sense into me. 

So what did I do? I called up Megan. And we formulated a plan. An "Eat More" plan. Operation Eat More. Megan walks the walk, so I have a lot of faith that she knows what she is talking about. And clearly I need someone to tell me what to do.

But even still, I'm a bit scared. And I hate myself for having insecurities and even more for being stupid. Who would think that with all of the ass kicking, sweat inducing, muscle failing, lactic acid building, heart pounding workouts we do that the hardest thing for me would be....chewing.

Almost Paleo

I follow a really good diet. 

True, that's not the most objective comment I've ever made. Guilty as charged. But I do go through great pains to make sure that every meal is zoned. I am certain that if my apartment were burgled (burgled=a much more fun way of saying "robbed") and the thieves felt it necessary to steal my kitchen scale and my measuring cups, I could eyeball the amounts just fine. 

But since I have big goals that include losing inches and fat percentages and I have those things at my disposal, i figure, why risk being wrong? 

Through the zoning process, I've also gone almost completely paleo. Almost. So, so, so close...but I'm having trouble going all the way. 

Fats are incredibly simple for me, and I pretty much only have avocado, nuts, and olive oil. Simple, delicious, satisfying. Done.

For protein I alternate between steak, chicken, fish and eggs. I find all of them to be equally deliciously.

Carbs are not a problem. I'm all fruits and veggies all the time. I don't need or crave bread or pasta and I'm I can resist sugar with the best of them (I've always been a salty girl, anyway). 

I've even been able to be amazingly good about the amount of alcohol I drink. I do love beer and wine so those, I think, are extremely big sacrifices. Sure, I slipped a little the week of my birthday/unexpected lay off, but I feel like those were completely justified slips. 

To give you an idea of the magnitude of that sacrifice, allow me to offer an anecdote. 

When I backpacked through Europe after college, my best friend Chrissy and I did our absolute best to try the best that each country had to offer: Beer in germany and belgium, wine and champagne in France, Sangria in Spain, and of course, wine, wine, wine, wine, wine in Italy. We were fresh out of college and were doing our best to ensure that our Liver's were adequately damaged. 

At the end of our trip, we promised each other that when we retire, we would retire as wino's in Italy. I know what you are thinking, "those are lofty goals," and "but Shannon, you speak French! Not Italian!" 

First of all, Italian and French are both Romance languages, so I think I'll be able to pick it up AND I remember that "Prego" and "Scuzzi" were really the only two words that I needed. Secondly, I've always been one to aim high! Don't be jealous of my goals! 

Besides, I figure that by the time I retire, I'll have decades of CrossFit, zoning and other sacrifice behind me, so why not enjoy the Tuscan countryside with some delicious wine in my golden years?

Anyway, I digress.

So, except for the occasional slip up with alcohol (which, at 27 years old, I'm not going ot apologize for), WHAT is my problem? WHY can't I go all Paleo?

CHEESE!!!! Dagnubit! I love cheese! All cheese. Block, string, melted. Cheddar, Brie, Feta, Parmesan, Mozzarella, Pepper Jack, Cream Cheese....

It's not that I eat a lot of it. Just a little bit here and there: one or two tablespoons sprinkled on eggs or vegetables, a sliver or two of brie with a few grapes, a string cheese when you need protein in a pinch! It is especially good sprinkled on top of some pan roasted veggies that are mixed with a quarter cup of tomato sauce and then stick it under the broiler until it gets all beautifully brown and bubbly....yum!

(*Sigh*) cheese is like a bad habit. I think it was put on Earth to make people happy. But, in my quest to be better and achieve my goals, I think it is something I'm going to have to bid a temporary "Ciao" to. 

Ciao, Cheese. I'll miss you.